Stuck in the middle can be a very lonely place to be.  Especially when  it comes to vaccines during a pandemic. Yikes.

There is no one to really  talk to when you are stuck in the middle. Both sides have already chosen how they want/need to see things.

I am typically fine with people’s own personal choices within reason. If people have health issues , I totally understand not receiving one. Even folks who stay home or are faithful with masks & safety, I’m ok with that. 

I really only roll my eyes at the ridiculous conspiratorial reasons especially if you aren’t willing to wear a mask or practice social distancing.

Then, I just think you’re being a selfish dick and you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Wink!

I chose to get vaccinated and I still don’t regret it, because since I had to close my business doors and have no access to financial assistance, it  forced me to go into a local workforce in the middle of a global pandemic which I personally believe that ethically you need to be vaccinated for, and teaching fitness I am in close contact with people.

We stayed home all year, homeschooled the kids, wore masks any time we went out, we tried our very best to keep ourselves and anyone around us safe.

We closed our doors to retreats and gatherings which was absolutely devastating to our businesses, but we did it for safety in our community and family. 

I was able to get a little financial help for business for a few months and then it was cut off. I watched the community around me that we were trying so hard to protect, completely flip on us. 

All of a sudden since they had to wait 5 minutes longer at a fast food drive thru, they blamed us who were receiving any assistance.

I am a curriculum writer and hold retreats/gatherings, how on Earth was I affecting your burger or chicky bicky coming faster??? I wasn’t. At All. 

After months of desperately trying to figure out ways to still work from home and make enough selling online until the storm passes, I just can’t make what I used to make from retreats.

So for the first time in years, I said goodbye to my business and decided to get vaccinated and go teach publicly again.

I was really proud of myself walking out of the doctor’s office and although it was a tough choice for me, I felt really good about it. I’m still proud of myself for giving a shit about others. Yay me.

That night I felt the weight of the world on my chest as I was trying to go to sleep. I just kept rolling around trying to relieve the pressure. I said it felt like an elephant sitting on me.

However, I had just that previous week started smoking herbs instead of tobacco (mostly mullein) and a tight chest happens to those who quit smoking tobacco.

Things progressively intensified and I went almost 2 weeks with unbearable heart pain and chest pressure until my feet started going numb and I knew it was time to go to the Emergency Room. I am so grateful that we have an amazing hospital here!

With all my symptoms they were pretty convinced I had Covid19. I was like, aw shit, you gotta be Kidding me! After numerous tests, ekgs, X-rays, bloodwork and so forth, covid was ruled out and I was diagnosed with subacute myocarditis. An inflamed heart. 

This was no shocker to me considering that pre-vax I had recently told my partner that I had a feeling that my former tooth abscess may have moved to my heart and I was having minor heart pain which might be leading to myocarditis. (I used to be a Surgical Assistant years back and we were taught to trace and deduce symptoms.)

With a big immune response from a vaccine it triggered it into full blown myocarditis.

Do I “blame” the vaccine for it? No. I can’t say that I do. 

I mean, I am very well aware that it exacerbated it tremendously, but if you read the disclaimer before getting the shot, it specifically says that if you have had any myocarditis previously you need to let them know.

I had no official diagnosis, so who is to blame? Me? Them? Covid? My non-existent Cardiologist who failed to inform me? The World? —-oooooooh, yeah, I’d probably pick the world! Jokes, mate.

According to Harvard Cardiology and the CDC, out of every 1 million shots, there are 67 people who have experienced this specific problem. And out of 177 million administered shots, there were reports of just over 1000 cases.

That’s pretty freaking slim, so how mad can I be? How many of us took birth control and got blood clots? Not anyone I know personally. But it happens on rare occasion.

Even many holistic herbs and medicines can have serious side effects as well, it’s just the way it is. Pennyroyal, Tansy, Cohosh and Mugwort can all give you a miscarriage (there’s my plug for Texas ladies, lol, talk to an herbalist though.)

But seriously. Reactions can happen with any kind of medication.

Now believe you me, I am aware that numbers can be a bit higher. And that’s what the conservatives keep telling me- that they are “hiding numbers there” and yet these are the same people who tell me that the CDC “exaggerates Covid numbers…” 

Well now give me a fucking break on that one already, that sounds so moronic and childish that it’s a surefire way to end a logical conversation with me. 

The reality is, it’s not easy to trace exact numbers up to date and they do the best they can with given data. Not everyone reports having myocarditis and not everyone reports having covid. Fact. Doctors legally have to report both to the CDC though. Anotha’ Fact.

 I will say though that Florida figured out a pretty sneaky way to make covid seem like less cases per week and Ron DeSantis got called out for it- yet you’ll still blame the CDC for his failure to report cases honestly. Seriously? You don’t see how crazy this all is? 

I’ll at least give the CDC and vaccine companies credit because they state all over the place to please let them know any and all reactions and you fill it out online and go into the databases. And their disclaimers say it on page one about myocarditis. AND COVID-19 ALSO CAUSES  MYOCARDITIS. 

Your Google research does NOT impress me compared to an establishment we pay 6.5 Billion Dollars a year to research these things and keep track of via databases. 

I have followed CDC guidelines and their advice from day one with quarantine, masks, etc, because, well, they are the Professionals, you freaking idiots. Call me a sheep, but I trust them over You. Lol. No, Seriously, I Do.

So I sit in this weird, and sad predicament of being pro vaccine, and also injured. It’s very limiting, incredibly lonely, and extremely painful. 

There is no one to call. There is no one to talk to. There is no one for my aftercare. There’s just me and my broken little-Big heart. 

My partner can only handle so much of me saying “my heart hurts so bad and I can’t breathe.” 

My family is uber conservative and watches Fox News and Fucker Carlson amplifying the negatives through the roof, yet totally dismissing Covid itself and are anti mask. 

They scoffed at the virus, yet yelled at me to go to the ER after the vaccine. WHAT?! We have personally known plenty of people that have Died from Covid, so it boggles my mind to see their stance.

Both politics and religion are officially insane to me after this year. 

Anyone I talked to that has been vaccinated had very strong defenses as well. I totally understand that too, because no one wants it to look “bad” except for conservatives and conspiracy theorists at this point.

I get it. Trust me, I do. I don’t want to make it seem bad either, because I do not believe that. But I do find it very important to be honest with experiences so we can learn from them.

Even last week before I went to the ER and was in so much pain I could barely hang out with our guests from Airbnb. I simply asked if they had any negative reactions to their shots and I was instantly cut off and told that anything I thought I was experiencing was completely psychological and I was just scared & wrong.

 I smiled and said, “oh I’m sure it’s just quitting smoking pains,” and I went off to bed holding my heart and crying myself to sleep.

There are no answers. Except the ones on my medical chart. That’s all I have. And even the awesome doctor was like “I don’t want you to freak out by what you’ve been seeing on the news. Everyone responds differently. This is way better than Covid-19 though.” 

I said “Oh yeah man, for sure,  fair enough, I’m just glad I’m not crazy. I can handle side effects.” 

And that’s true. I’ve had dozens of procedures and surgeries after a nearly fatal car accident. My left arm is mostly metal, knee sewn back together, my lower iliac spine was removed to use as the bone behind my nose to reconstruct my whole jaw and mouth, I bit the dashboard and when they removed me my teeth and bones remained there. 4 years of reconstruction- I can handle some MF’in pain, believe me. 

But this shit HURTS.

Have you ever fantasized about pulling your heart out like the guy in Indiana Jones Temple of Doom and chanting while holding a beating heart in your hands up to the gods? I HAVE.

Or getting a sexy little pink handgun and shooting your self in the heart because it would feel better? I SURE HAVE.

Dramatic? Totally.

Honest? Absolutely. 

Now don’t go calling a suicide prevention squad on me, I’m just being real with pain levels and thoughts. I don’t know how to cut my heart out, nor do I own a gun. Good thing though, right?! Eh heh heh

The only people I really blame here is, well, I don’t know, Everyone I guess. Human Beings in general. Lol. But if I really REEEEEALLY had to pick….

I’d blame our stupid governor Brian Kemp for forcing self employed professionals into leaving their at home jobs to be thrown into danger. Everyone for that matter! 

I’d blame you dumb motherfuckers who run around without masks and going to big rallies and gatherings spitting out Q- Anon bullshit. You ignorant weirdos.

I’d blame America for having one of the shittiest healthcare systems in the world based off of all profit. 

I’d blame the local trash for complaining so much about people not wanting to work, when in reality, they have No Idea what actually was going on and how much people were suffering. I saw how disgustingly selfish and entitled so many people are. Gross.

Everything in me wants to blame myself and the vaccine, but I just can’t right now. Because at least we fucking Tried to keep people safe. The idiots aforementioned- not so much. Actually, not at all.

So as I am stuck in the middle here, I just ask you to figure out what is right for you. I do believe in vaccinations and we have eradicated many diseases with them. They truly are amazing works of science.

Again, I do not regret it because I really feel like I did my part to keep myself and others safe since I’m going back into the public world, I trust our CDC although I’m sure they aren’t perfect, I believe it is a very important part of our nation whom we should respect their advice.

Yes, even when it changes because life and circumstances change. Viruses change, all things change. I figured that was an understood concept, but alas……it’s apparently not.

And also, if you feel like you may be seriously compromised by taking one due to other health issues, by all means talk to your doctor about it. It’s better safe than sorry, and most of the time you will be perfectly fine.

To be honest, I’m grateful that this helped point out underlying health issues I had.

Do Not just listen to scare tactics or the news, that’s ridiculous. 

Especially Sean Hannity, who is The Most Ridiculous Wiener In The World.

I say that both in honesty, and in hopes that conservative extremists wont use my blog for their own stupid gain pretending to feel bad for my situation. (You know you would you little potatoes!)


Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.